So you think you’re tough do ya? Well, are you tough enough to watch Babe: Pig in the FUCKING City? Because I gotta tell you, it takes a strong individual to endure such a gut-wrenching tale (tail?) of truth and beauty.
Let’s all recall the events of the first Babe. Babe, born beautiful and pure of heart, avoids the guillotine by proving he can be more than just a piece of meat– he is also a dog, apparently. Now that this pig is a dog, fuck it, we won’t eat him. Okay, that’s pretty disturbing as is.
Now, in Babe: Pig in the City, Babe (let’s face it guys) is a major fuck up. It’s a classic story of a need-to-please pig almost drowning his owner, leading to a misadventure to save the farm. CLASSIC. Anyways, back in 1998 Babe’s foray in farm-saving did not go over well. Critics said the film was “too dark” and “not for children.” Clearly these dumbass critics never read any Roald Dahl, Maurice Sendak, or Charlotte’s Web. I guess in pre-Harry Potter times, children’s films were expected to be stories of sad sacks achieving their dreams of becoming pro skateboarders.
What those asshole critics didn’t see is that yes, in this film, a lot of dark shit goes down, but one Pig navigates through the moral ambiguity of this big city so flawlessly and uncompromising that everything turns out just fucking fine. SPOILER ALERT! There are a lot of close-calls: Babe sets a hospital on fire, a dog almost hangs/drowns himself, a dog in a wheel chair is thrown from a moving truck, a gold fish’s bowl breaks leaving him gasping for air, there’s a battered poodle Blanche DuBois character, a chimpanzee baby falling from a ceiling, and a chihuahua thrown over a bridge in bag. This shit is FUCKED UP. I was on the verge of tears, edge of my seat, screaming for help the entire movie. It was an emotional roller coaster with the biggest pay off of all– because of the courage of one pig, everyone is okay. It’s a valuable lesson for children: the biggest necessity in this dark world is the courage to be kind through it all. Damn. A talking pig just taught this grown-ass woman a valuable lesson.
Here’s a lesson little girls, if you turn out to be a powerful rich woman, you MUST be evil. Or at least, that’s what I learned from watching 101 Dalmatians. Let me summarize. Cruella is a successful fashion mogul (with manners, I might add. Why didn’t Alonzo ask Anita if she wanted something to drink?) who employs Anita, a mousey lady who would quit her job at her husband’s first whim. So who could possibly be the villain of this piece? The successful take-charge boss lady? Or the stupid baby machine?
If you ask me, ain’t nothin’ wrong with Cruella other than her questionable ethics on the treatment and use of animals. In which case, there are a LOT of villains out there. Sorry kids.
Remember Christmas from a few weeks back? I bet ya do. I do too. I watched a LOT of Home Alone. And I recalled a great time in mine and my brother’s lives when we LOVED Home Alone. We loved it so much that my brother had a t-shirt of Kevin’s face. He also had a poster that illustrated all of the booby traps Kevin masterminded in the McCallister house. As a result, my brother and I thought we should set up our own booby traps, which resulted in my dad losing his shit over our solid-frozen death-trap sidewalk that we rigged up.
So let’s review: a boy who is accidentally home alone has a hilarious misadventure! OR boy who is accidentally home alone makes the worst decisions EVER. Why doesn’t Kevin call the cops? I don’t know. At all. Ever. That is never explained. Let’s face it, Kevin is HILARIOUS. He has a biting wit. But what kid with a biting wit doesn’t know how to call the cops? He’s afraid of a knock at the door, but letting thieves in the house is a-ok as long as a million pranks are set to go off at precisely no mac and cheese time. That’s the worst. He makes that mac and cheese dinner and doesn’t get to eat it! All is redeemed though when Kevin learns that family is the most important thing ever. Except he didn’t learn that because it happens all over again in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.